I have to admit that "anger" bubbles up, and as I reflect back as to WHY this is so hard for me, "I was taught that there is a price for being angry, showing emotions that did not fit our dirty little secrets." I also know that through therapy, I had a HUGE need to forgive so that I would heal and not feel the shame and fear. I did a weekend of processing and watching others process. It just looked ugly and scary to me. Interesting to me was that I found my anger at my mother, not the many violations that happened to me over the years. I was told that it was because she was in my heart and her violations went deep. I was able to leave body during the gang rape. She didn't protect me. She didn't tell me. She didn't show love, compassion, she needed me. So, I WANT to find the bubble up and express... I will...I will.
At the age of 5 years old my mother G.C. started her rampage of sexual abuse upon me. I clearly remember one evening she had come into a small and humid room which was the kids bedroom, and picked me up and held me in her arms like a loving mother would do with her child, but her intentions were far from loving and nurturing. It was going to be another long evening of her having a 5 year old boy fulfill her sick and fucking disgusting desires. As she commenced to undress me, my dad shows up.
As I hear him come through the door I am so relieved that he was home, finally all this would finally stop. But that was not the case, my mother threaten me that if I did not get under their bed she would hurt me really bad. So I obeyed her and crawled under the bed which could probably occupy a small animal. As I curled up like a ball, I heard my dad come through the door of the bedroom. Finally I told myself that my dad would save me, but once again false hope. My dad asked my mother how the kids were doing and she replied they are fine they are asleep. Such a fucking lie, their 5 year old laid underneath their bed naked and scared.
And in the next few minutes my parents indulged in pleasing each-other, talking nasty to each-other and just having a fucking grand ole time together, while I lay underneath the bed. G.C. your are a sick and fucking heartless bitch, for 3 years you forced me to have sex with you, to do disgusting acts with you. Your baby boy that you said you loved, but how could you do what you did you disgusting fucking bitch. You left me under that bed to hear you and dad have sex and you didn't even fucking budge or blink to save your son from that experience that has scared me for 27 years.
I can really say with all I have that I hate you and I really hope that your death comes with the most pain someone can feel at that moment and I hope your last thought that goes through your mind is how much of a sick and disgusting fucking person you are. SO G.C REST IN PISS....MUCH HATE NOT YOUR SON....
I came home from school and you made me sit down at the coffee table. Their were porn magazines open and spread all over the table. You told me to look at them. I did and everything worked fine.
You then told me to get into the bed. I did. I was nervous. This was not right... it didn't feel right. However, I did as I was told.
You then, told me to perform oral sex on you. I didn't want to. But you made me, nonetheless. And due to the fact that you were so big ( an overweight adult woman) and I was so small ( a 7 year old, thin boy )...I couldn't breathe...you tasted like urine.
So, I ran and you gave chase. When you caught me, you beat me so hard that I tried to fit in between the refrigerator and the stove' like I was a cat running away from a torturer.
After the beating, you made me take a nap. I was thankful for that kindness as I needed the rest. When I woke up it was over…
It was over physically, but emotionally and mentally that one event has stayed with me for life. However, this letter is to let you know that for years I've lived with this and told this story over and over again. Not as a victim, but as victor. Sad news friend, you lose...
Father’s Day 2005
I hate you you motherfucker. You know what I plan to do on father’s day this year? Pay $5 to get a silhouette target and pretend to shoot the hell out of you! Doesn’t that sound like a great father’s day? I hate you! I hate you son of a bitch! Was it worth it you sick bastard? You goddamn punk! You made your own three-year-old daughter suck you dick! Was it worth losing every fucking ounce of respect from your daughter?
My Father’s Day wish for you…
I hope that this Father’s Day this year reminds you of everything you could have had, everything you gave up, and all of the hell you put your own daughter through. I hope that the sunrise brings regret and the sunset brings despondency. For Father’s Day this year, I wish you pain and sorrow. Soon you will be 65 years old, and I hope that impotency is repaying you for your disgusting lack of self-control. Was it really all worth it? Let me ask you again….was it worth it? The day your life expires is the day I will be free of my past, free of the demons you left me with. What a pathetic legacy you will leave; a legacy of disrespect, dishonor, and distrust. You missed my whole life, and all you left me with was confusion, rage, and a warped sense of love and sexuality. Thanks for an unforgettable childhood from hell. Do you have any clue what kind of hurt and damaged life I have lived because of you? Do you know, Don? Can you feel the hate in my words? Can you feel my anger towards you? Can you feel me beating the shit out of you? How does it make you feel Don, to know that your daughter was molested, and the bastard who did it was you?
What a shame you are. Sure, blame it on your mom, your dad, or your own dysfunctional childhood – but that is no excuse for your behavior!! You make me so sick. You are a disgusting old man, and you are not my father. A real man, real father does not make his daughter suck his dick! This father’s day, and every father’s day, I hope you are reminded how much I abhor and despise you. Rot in hell you sick son of a bitch – that’s what you deserve!
This letter to you has been 36 Long years coming. You sick fucking motherless fuck. I fucking hate you with everything i have for raping me brutally. I would Like nothing more than to make you die a slow, brutal, misErable death like the one you have given me. You took my childhood from me, because of you sick fucking actions i am so fucked up mentally that my life is a living hell, your sickness changed me, introducing me to an evil no child should ever know. When you tore me open with your fucking cock I bled for days and still bleed inside my soul because you are a fucKing child molester, I think death is to good for you but i also want you dead, you are useless to manKind and i despise you, I hate you, I hate you, i fucking hate you, don't ever cross my path you fuck, I will send you to hell one piece at a time, and if you get lonely there i will behappy to send you some company as well, fuck you, forever your mortal enemy,